“Deliverance” Come to Life
Don’t Say Russia Never Gave us Anything
Old and Dried Out, Just Like Grandma
Are You Famous Enough?
It’s not Always Hip to be Square
Imma ConnectiCUT You, Bitch!
The First Forgotten State
A Nice Place to Die
Come for the Romance, Stay for the Racism
The Pineapple Upside Down State
No, You da ho!
Corn and Corruption
Where Canals are Still in Style!
Out and Proud Since 2009
Where Dorothy was Escaping From
Where You Can Always Get Beat by Your Pa
The Prison Capital of the World
Cold Enough to Fish, Too Cold to Dream
The Colonists Were Drunk When They Drew Our Borders
Bet You Can’t Spell it Right
The Only State with pee pee in the Name
Purple Mountain Travesty
Where the Corn Runs Red with Blood
Can I Get my Money Back?
Live Free and Die
Fuck Old Jersey
You Like Turquoise, Right?
Gang Fights Will Inspire You!
Graveyard of the Atlantic
What the Frack?
Set Your Bland TV Show Here!
The Birthplace of Hanson
White People Left to Their Own Devices
America’s Tiny Little Baby
It Don’t Get More Southern Than This
If You Like it Then You Should Have Put Four Presidents’ Faces on It
Country Died Here
Bigger is Worse
Wives for Everyone!
Billboards Will be Shot on Sight
West of Sanity
Yesterday I was at a drug store, when I saw this sad little section of the worst leftover Easter candy….Put that ish away, Walgreens! Ain’t nobody want this candy!
5. Chocolate “Flavored” Bunny
If you buy this for someone at Easter, it means you hate them; real chocolate is like $1 more! I know I like my chocolate to taste like plastic and give me an immediate headache, but not everyone feels that way.
4. Black Jelly Beans
No one likes black jelly beans. NO ONE. And if you say you do, quit lying to yourself: you tolerate black jelly beans. Also, thanks for making them Easter-themed (love that “Easter” mascot), but jelly bird eggs? Isn’t that a bit of a stretch? Just call them Jesus drops and be done with it.
3. Chicks and Rabbits
Although finding a way to make circus peanuts even more disgusting is a big undertaking, Brach’s did the next-to-impossible by dying styrofoam neon colors and smooshing them into creepy shapes. Circus peanuts: disappointing children since the 1940s.
2. Edible Easter Grass
Pssht, who needs wrappers for their candy? I prefer to eat mine after someone put their most likely dirty hands all over it, then let it sit out for a while. Who needs to diet when you can just have diarrhea!
1. Mallow Pals
See, I like marshmallows, but they don’t taste fake enough to me! That’s where Mallow Pals comes in. Tired of having to chew your marshmallow? Here- just shoot Pepto-colored slime into your mouth! That’s not a sugar rush you’re feeling- that’s the cancer forming!
1. SAD: Seasonal Affective Disorder
Basically the minute October becomes November, I turn into a huge mess. Between the dropping temperatures, grey days and the fact that I have to work under fluorescent lighting during the (brief) period the sun is out, I walk around being droopy a good 65% of the time. I never want to leave the house because I’m too busy lying under a blanket AND watching tv. That’s called multitasking, people. Last year it go so bad that my SAD (or at least what I refer to as SAD) symptoms culminated in me crying in a snowbank littered with cigarette butts in front of a bar while the line of people waiting to get in tried to coax me out of it.
2. Having to Talk Nonstop About the Winter
I’m pretty sure there is something in the air during winter that makes us lose all our conversational skills from the moment the first snowflake hits the ground until the last bit of brown snow has melted in the spring. You walk into a store/restaurant/any place where people haven’t been outside in a while, and all anyone wants to know is what’s happening with the weather. “Is it snowing?” “Cold out there, huh?” “The weather is supposed to stay the same until Sunday, and then it will blah blah blah.” If discussing weather with strangers wasn’t bad enough, talking about it to your normally interesting friends is enough to make me count the days down until spring.
3. People Becoming Un-Sexy
Between the chapped lips, runny noses and bad hair (see #4) we run around with for a good 4 months, it’s no wonder people have less sex in the winter. Ok, ok…I know it actually has to do with some scientific reasons including a loss in the production of hormones and a biological drop in libido during winter, but come on! Let’s not pretend that we’re something we’re not- a visually stimulated culture. Spending a good part of your time in a giant coat, hat, mittens, etc with just your face showing makes everyone look the same from the back; sometimes from the front, too. On top of that, in the winter many of us develop what I like to refer to as a “potato body”: pale and lumpy. Just let me know when I sprout eyes.
4. Winter Hair
There are so many barriers winter brings to having good hair. It dries is out, making it staticky and unmanageable. Since November, I have purchased three different conditioner on three separate occasions, all of them promising deep conditioning. My hair still feels like straw. And wearing hats only serves to make the winter hair issue worse. They somehow manage to completely flatten your hair while at the same time making it stick out at odd angles. I don’t even want to think about leaving the house in the winter with wet hair, but if you do, you may want to re-think covering it. The last time I went outside with wet hair, I wore a hood, hoping to avoid hat hair. After my hair dried, the rest of the day my family kept asking me in concerned voices if I had cut my hair.
Let’s face it, winter is the worst season for the accident-prone (read: me). If there is even the smallest patch of ice, I will find it by slipping on it, wildly waving my arms and shrieking, ultimately landing flat on my butt. Probably in front of a cute neighbor. Like most people, I have to retire a good part of my shoe collection when winter hits. However, there are several pairs of boots designed for winter that I just refuse to wear because I have fallen in them too many times. My butt is basically sore the entire winter, and I try not to go anywhere without someone
to catch me I can bring down with me.
5. Peter Griffin from “Family Guy”
While Peter is immature, extremely selfish and emotionally unavailable to all his children, it is his cruelness towards his daughter Meg that earns him a ranking on this list. His emotional- and sometimes physical- abuse directed at Meg is constant. From frequent reminders that Peter finds her repulsive to farting on her, all the way to shooting Meg in the chest when she just said “hi” to him, his behavior is callous and often shocking. What saves him from being rated higher is the fact that she totally sucks. “Shut up, Meg.”
4. Dan Scott from “One Tree Hill”
In full-disclosure, I have only seen a handful of episodes from “One Tree Hill,” but in every. single. one. Dan Scott suuuuucks. He abandoned his first born son and wife and seemingly attempted to make up for it by pushing his other son way too hard and making him resentful. This is about all I know about him/the show except: basketball, basketball, murder, basketball. Oh, and a golden retriever ate his heart transplant at some point.
3. Frank Costanza from “Seinfeld”
Although the man gave us Festivus, Frank Costanza was a pretty terrible father. Loud, quick to anger and outspoken about his lack of pride in his son, is it any wonder that George is the way he is?
2. Aaron Echolls from “Veronica Mars”
Aaron Echolls was an all around terrible person; he cheated on his wife and abused his son Logan. He conducted an affair with his son’s girlfriend, and when she threatened to expose him, he murdered her and had someone plant evidence against her brother. If that wasn’t bad enough, later on Veronica discovers that Aaron was the killer while she was dating his son. While Veronica attempted to get to the police, Aaron tries to murder her, too. Bad man! Although he only succeeded in killing one of his son’s girlfriends, I think it’s safe to say that the attempted murder alone cements him on this list.
1. Frank Reynolds from “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia”
One of the grossest people I can think of at the top of my head, Frank Reynolds is a mentally unstable compulsive gambler with a history of drug addiction who only shows interest in his children when it can benefit him. The list of offenses against his children goes on and on: turning his son Dennis into a gigolo, setting his daughter Dee on fire, forcing Dee to become a boxer, giving Dee rabies, water-boarding Dee….Well, maybe he’s not as horrible a father to Dennis, but he isn’t about to win any awards. Except for the number one spot on my list!
Societal Pressure on Being a Twig
Day to day I generally feel neutral to pretty good about my body. I’m not the kind of person who spends a lot of time thinking about my jean size or rationing what I eat. That is, until I open a women’s magazine. Even though I know that most models are Photoshopped to within an inch of their lives, I can’t help compare myself to someone who earns a living by being a clothing rack. Suddenly I feel like a giant jiggling about on my huge legs that get bigger towards the top- not like all these models whose thighs are the same circumference all the way up! Surely there must be something wrong with me! Oh no, none of my ribs poke out of my back- I should probably start fasting! Don’t even get me started on how you can’t even eat cereal our of my collarbones!
Think of all the worst words you know: how many of them are derogatory words for a woman or for female genitalia? Have you noticed how easy it is to insult a woman based on her gender alone, with many of the words having no male correlation? Think of how many words we have for “slut” alone: whore, floozy, skank, tramp, loose, painted lady…well, maybe that last one is a little archaic. But what is the male equivalent to slut? Stud? Player? Womanizer? All of these words call to mind a glamorous image, whether it be Frank Sinatra or Jay-Z. What glamorous image does “slut” bring to mind? Ke$ha? Even the man to woman equivalent of the word “prostitute” is imbalanced. Women are hookers, conjuring up images of cheap vinyl outfits, while men get to be gigolos, conjuring up images of Richard Gere.
Cost of Lady Products
I consider myself to be a pretty low-key woman when it comes to getting ready. I work in a very casual environment, so I barely wear makeup or do my hair. Even so, on an average day it takes 14 products to get me out of the door. I don’t even want to tally how many products I use when I go out! I don’t know if you pay attention to the cost of beauty products, but shit’s expensive! I recently bought new mascara from a drugstore- on sale that tiny tube was $9. And the cosmetic industry has us all convinced that in six weeks, it is unsanitary for you to be using the same tube of mascara. And while for men a shampoo + conditioner + body wash combo is apparently all you need, women: don’t you DARE mix up your face lotion with your body lotion, regular conditioner with leave-in conditioner, your hair product with shine for your hair product with hold, your base coat for your top coat….
I realize that both sexes can, and do, struggle with their weight. For men, a little excess weight is often seen as a positive attribute (more cuddly/warm). However, it is a completely different story for women. I don’t know a single woman who doesn’t have a problem with at least one area of her body. I hold weight around my stomach, but no fat is ever deposited to my butt. A friend refuses to show the upper half of her thighs. Another friend refuses to wear anything sleeveless. An acquaintance wears pants throughout the Summer. And the messed up thing is that these are all such small issues that in all likelihood no one would ever notice, but we are so preoccupied with whatever perceived flaw that we would rather not go out than wear something we think draws attention to our “problem area.” I personally would rather walk around in an XXL Insane Clown Posse shirt, face painted in full
juggalo jugalette mode, than let my stomach see the light of day.
To be fair, anyone can be a creeper- boy or girl, gay or straight. But let’s be real; I know of way more horror stories that take place between guys and girls. To start out with, I don’t think a ton of guys even know how to let a girl know he’s interested in her. I’m not sure what reaction you’re going for when you whistle and dangle money out of your car window, but thanks for making me feel like a slut when I’m just carrying home dog food. On top of that, we now have books and tv shows telling men that the best way to pick up a woman is to just walk up to her and insult her. Ask her if she is wearing a wig! Tell her her hands are manly! It’s really not that hard, and I’m addressing ALL of you creepers….stop staring, don’t whistle, no pickup lines; walk up to them and introduce yourself.
Hermione Granger from Harry Potter
I seriously felt a disappointment when I never received my acceptance owl to Hogwarts. I really wanted to live in a magic world and take magic classes, not live in Minnesota and take math. I love Hermione because she is such a well-rounded character. She started out really obnoxious and socially inept, and became this amazing talent and super loyal friend. And while I always held out hope that she and Harry would get together, Ron is a decent option, too. Especially since he became a super stud in, what, book five?
Eloise from Eloise
Having full run of the Plaza Hotel seemed so great as a child, but as an adult scraping by to make ends meet, this ridiculous lifestyle is even more appealing. Eloise gets to order room service every day, play in her awesome pink room full of toys, and have fantastic pet dog Weenie and turtle Skipperdee. The entire premise of the book is basically her acting out without any consequences because she’s just so damn charming. And because her mother is basically MIA sleeping with rich dudes around the world. Or at least that’s how I interpreted it….
Veronica from Veronica Mars
What’s better than being an adorable wisecracking teenage detective? Nothing, I reckon. Although Veronica’s life has been more than a little challenging (murdered best friend, alcoholic mom, ostracized dad), she manages to always come out on top. Though she has terrible taste in men, she has the most clever acerbic wit and was almost valedictorian of her class- so totes smart, guys. Plus I am generally the last to figure out a what happened during Law and Order SVU…having her detective skills would be a nice change of pace.
Penny Lane from Almost Famous
It’s kind of been my weird secret dream to be a muse for as long as I can remember. Since people apparently aren’t in the market for modern-day muses (or so says my recruiter), living through fictional character Penny Lane will have to do. Besides being the
groupie Band Aid to one of the most talented up-and-coming musicians, she has the best wardrobe. Also, girl can handle her ‘ludes. Important.
April Ludgate from Parks and Recreation
Since the first day I laid eyes on April Ludgate, I knew that I wanted to be her. I am generally way too cheerful and get excited over stupid things like candy or Saved by the Bell reruns to ever be that aloof and cool. She is also hilarious, has the elusive approval of ultimate bad ass Ron Swanson and gets to be married to the adorable Andy Dwyer. Ugh, I’m moving to Pawnee.
Here are the top five dead peeps I would invite to my faboosh dinner party:
5. Salvador Dali: Known as much for his bizarre behavior as his artwork, Dali would ensure that there would never be a dull moment or lapse in conversation. I intend to base my dinner party around his, as shown in this clip. Also, after dinner we could play ding-dong-ditch, as he was reputedly fond of.
4. Lucille Ball: One of my personal heroes, America’s favorite redhead, and a dang funny lady. We could take bets at which point during dinner a Lucy shenanigan would occur, and I’m sure she would be more than happy to perform for us, as long as we kept her supplied with cigarettes.
3. Tycho Brahe: A 16th century Danish nobleman who was famous for being an astronomer and alchemist, as well as wearing a false nose made of gold after losing his in a math duel. He was known to employ a dwarf who would dress as a clown and sit silently under the table at dinner parties. I feel that he would get along splendidly with Dali. I’d invite him on the basis of his crazy walrus-‘stache alone!
2. Oscar Levant: 21st century composer, pianist, actor and comedian. Co-star of An American in Paris and star of once of my favorite movie scenes ever (see below). He eventually had his own show which was canceled due to his inability to stop making highly controversial comments. He later floated in and out of mental hospitals, openly stating that he had erased the fine line between genius and insanity. Sounds like the perfect dinner guest to me!
1. The Marchesa Casati: Famous heiress and muse from the early 20th Century in Italy. Quoted as saying “I want to be a living work of art,” she wore live snakes as jewelry and frequently walked her two cheetahs on jeweled leashes. Her crazy menagerie would endear her to Tycho Brahe, who owned an alcoholic moose. She was also an admirer of Dali. Although I would have to hire nude servants gilded in gold to serve her in the manner she was accustomed, it would be a small price to pay to have the most scandalous woman of her time at dinner.