1. Did you know Adele throws up before every performance? Well Jamie did, because for the past year or so, she has been working as Adele’s official puke-catcher. Not to brag, or anything.
2. Miles became a follower of the The Secret. He spent the last year putting out energy into the universe with the one goal that Anderson Cooper take his shirt off on television AND THEN IT HAPPENED.
3. Jamie spent the past year pursuing her PhD in Bret Michael’s pouty face.
4. Miles spent the last year trying to get a funder for his Pajamajortsvoralls idea.
5. Jamie pursued a joint PhD in cinema studies. Her thesis was entitled “The Impact of ‘Laser Mission’ on Current Weaponry of Mass Destruction.” (If you haven’t seen “Laser Mission,” I suggest you to do so immediately. It’s a life-changer.)
6. Miles went into hibernation for the better part of last year, and through a combination of gorging and sleeping, gained nearly 1,000 pounds. Then, through unhealthy dieting (fire eating) he lost it all in a bid to become the most popular girl in school.
7. Jamie has been, like, really tired, guys. Seriously.
8. Miles stopped showering regularly and it made it hard to work together.
9. We were killed by our evil robot twins to prevent us from winning battle of the bands. We had to defeat Death by winning Battleship to go back and save our totally awesome babes. Oh, and win battle of the bands. So after we won Battleship against Death, we had to travel into heaven in order to find the greatest inventors of all time to make robot us-es to kill the evil twin robots. Oh, we totally met God, you guys. Yeah, he was pretty cool, I guess. So then we came back and right before the battle of the bands, the good robot twins defeated the evil ones. Righteous! But then we realized we didn’t really know how to play our instruments. Lucky for us, George Carlin showed up in a time-traveling phone book and took us back in time to learn how to play. Station!
WE’RE FUCKING BACK!!!!!!!!!!!
1. “The Beets” from Doug: The Beatles or the Rolling Stones? Who needs to pick when you have the Beets? Taking the best sounds and looks from both groups, the Beets are essentially a British invasion band, only, you know, thirty years late.
2. “Venus in Furs” from Velvet Goldmine: What do you get when you take members from Radiohead, Sonic Youth, and the Stooges, dress them in spangled baroque clothing, and give them Jonathan Rhys Meyers as their front man? Why, Venus in Furs, obviously.
3. “Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem” from The Muppet Show: Let’s be real- we love anything Muppet, and as such, this band probably would have made the list even if it was horrible. That being said, this band is far from it. Although Animal was the only member of this band to reach success as a solo artist, we feel that each musician stands on their own as a testament to the prodigal powers of Muppet magnificence.
4. “The Wonders” from That Thing You Do: Straight up bubble gum pop, which we love. Surprisingly enough, this song was written by the bassist for the band “Fountains of Wayne” (you know, the genius group behind “Stacy’s Mom”) and went on to become an actual hit, peaking at #41 on the Billboard charts.
5. “Josie and the Pussycats” from Josie and the Pussycats: Sometimes you just have to put on your cat ears and jam with your closest interracial friends. Formed with the end goal to bed and wed Riverdale’s beloved Alan M., this band has become so much more than the first furry band in comic history. The Supremes who?
6. “Soggy Bottom Boys” from O Brother, Where Art Thou?: We love the old-school bluegrass style of this group, as well as the straightforward vocals in this song. The only thing that could have made this group any better was if George Clooney himself sang the vocals. Apparently we are not alone in this thinking, as the musicians behind this group won both a CMA Award and a Grammy.
7. “Open 24 Hours” from Square Pegs: A hipster band so far ahead of their time, this group makes us totally tired from loving it. Totally.
8. “Stillwater” from Almost Famous: Music so era-appropriate and well crafted, it makes us want to stop bathing, grow out our hair, and follow this non-existant band across the country. If a girl overdoses on quaaludes along the way, so be it. It was all for the music, man.
9. “Jem and the Holograms” from Jem: Although their music was written only to sell action figures, we are compelled by the songs’ themes of an orphaned executive’s daughter hell-bent on challenging the record industry with makeup and magic. Plus, I’m not sure if you were aware, but Jem is truly outrageous. Truly, truly, truly outrageous.
10. “Hedwig and the Angry Inch” from Hedwig and the Angry Inch: That hair. That wardrobe. That music. Where the penis used to be, and the vagina never was, comes a sound so gender-bending, so anatomy-warping, that we’re no longer sure what we’ve got going on down there. And not in a bad way; in fact, it’s rather refreshing.
- Semi Precious Weapons: Old school rock and guitar solos are back, and backing Lady Gaga. When the front man wears high heels and claims it takes longer to put on his face than dress himself, you know they’re bound for super stardom.
- Alphabeat: First there was Abba, then Ace of Base, then Aqua. Alphabeat perfects the Scandinavian pop legacy by reminding us what was fun about the 80’s (first album) and now the 90’s (second album).
- Electric Six: When the men are mustached and the penises are glowing, you know it’s good music. When they’re rhyming Taco Bell with gates of hell, you know it’s genius.
- Troll Town: Our friend’s music project. It’s like going on a magical adventure with only your synthesizer and drum machine to protect you against evil dragons.
- Natalie Portman’s Shaved Head: They’re the cool party band you and your friends wish you had the motivation to start and the pixie sticks to maintain.
- Sammy: Purchased on cover value alone, Sammy is a combination of 90’s esoterica and a smart impulse buy in a mammoth Minnesotan music store.
- The Pipettes: Their first album was 38.9 minutes of 60’s era girl group gold, and now they’ve returned minus two members, plus one sister. The result? More Phil Spector inspired, post-Women’s Lib pop brilliance.
- The Ike Riley Assassination: A more lighthearted Bob Dylan for generation Y, because even in the age of the internet we still love drunken storytelling.
- Brown Eyed Girls: Most Korean acts only have one good song in them, but BEG buck the trend with their smart voices, and the best rapper their nation has to offer.
- The Drums: They’re a bit like if a 60’s band time traveled from their beach party to an 80’s prom. Or, you know, the other way around.
- Timmy Turner’s Dad: Fairly Odd Parents is a pretty gay cartoon in general, but Mr. Turner is the only character to win a beauty pageant with a drag routine.
- Uncle Arthur of Bewitched: Everyone needs a gay uncle, and Samantha’s is the gayest. Tossed salad, anyone?
- Rabbit: Typically, bunnies spend their days fucking each other like crazy. Rabbit occupies his time cleaning his house, adopting baby birds and shagging Tigger on the sly.
- Velma: Her sexuality is no mystery. She never made a pass at Freddy, wears sensible shoes, and dons thick glasses to ward off men.
- Gargamel: Lives alone with his cat, wears a dress, and created Smurfette, because he realized early on that women are the downfall of men.
- She-Ra: Forget He-Man, this hero of Grayskull bathes in rainbow light and battles alongside women in bathing suits while wielding phallic objects.
- Ken: We’ve never seen him act sexually towards a Barbie. If he really was into her, he would have put a ring on it by now.
- Lassie: He was very well groomed, and could never seem to keep his paws off of Timmy. Plus, he loved it doggie style.
- Dr. Frasier Crane and Dr. Lilith Sternin: The couple had to pretend they were straight to get into Cheers, but no one was fooled. Lilith for all purposes was a man, and Frasier is the gayest thing since rainbows.
- Bob the Tomato and Larry the Cucumber: Larry is a phallus and Bob is a testicle and they’re in love. Take that Christian values!
12. Jughead Jones: The most stylish character…maybe from anything?
11. Betty Cooper: She has Veronica’s face and body, but something’s missing….
10. Valerie (Josie and the Pussycats): “Josie and the Pussycats; Long tails, and we’d tap that!”
9. Alan M. (Josie and the Pussycats): That M stands for money, baby!
8. Nancy Woods: Total hottie. We want to see more of her!
7. Coach Clayton: Oh, slay us with those cheekbones!
6. Cheryl Blossom: She’s hot, but scary!
5. Mr. Lodge: Old money is still sexy money, Daddy Warbucks!
4. Reggie Mantle: Diabolically handsome.
3. Veronica Lodge: Super mean, but undeniable gorg!
2. Melody (Josie and the Pussycats): By far the hottest Pussycat. Josie who?
1. Midge Klump: So underrated. She also has the best hair. This hotness is wasted on Riverdale.
24. Dilton Doiley: Normally we like a good nerd, but Dilton is a whiny little bitch. Also, he’s 12.
23. Mr. Jones: He’s not good looking, but we give him major props for his style.
22. Mrs. Andrews: Meh.
21. Mrs. Lodge: The classy cancels out the age.
20. Mrs. Cooper: “Betty’s mom has got it going on…”
19. Moose Mason: D’uh, can you say roid rage? We know he can’t spell it….
18. Sabrina Spellman (Sabrina the Teenage Witch): The tv version was way hotter.
17. Chuck Clayton: B-list character, B- looks.
16. Alexander & Alexandra Cabot (Josie and the Pussycats): Neither are very attractive, but they be stylin’.
15. Svenson: He’s totally cute, in a dusty mustache kind of way.
14. Harvey Kinkle (Sabrina the Teenage Witch): Once again, we prefer the tv version, but he’s kind of cute.
13. Josie (Josie and the Pussycats): She’s rocking that bob!
36. Miss Beazley: We’re pretty sure there’s fungus growing inside of her. That’s why we don’t eat cafeteria food.
35. Hilda & Zelda Spellman (Sabrina the Teenage Witch): Their extreme body weights, unnatural hair colors and fugly witch noses leave a lot to be desired. Thank goodness Sabrina is half-mortal.
34. Ethel Muggs: The average human has 32 teeth. Ethel has two.
33. Mr. Weatherbee: What it would look like if a spider died on top of Benjamin Franklin’s head.
32. Pop Tate: The 1970s called, and they want their body hair back.
31. Coach Kleats: Remember that “Buns of Steel” workout tape? He ate it.
30. Mr. Andrews: He’s just a balding, overweight version of Archie, which isn’t saying much.
29. Archie Andrews: How does he get so much T&A with that mug?
28. Professor Flutesnoot: Prof. Flutesnoot’s nose is making some woman very happy.
27. Mrs. Jones: Ain’t no one jones-ing for that lady.
26. Miss Grundy: She’s not ugly….
25. Mr. Cooper: He’s just slightly fat and balding.