How many billions of dollars have been made off of a show that is little more than looped chase sequences and a dog with a speech impediment? In a cartoon where the jokes aren’t funny the first time, they have a laugh track to remind you that, yes, they are still doing a gag about Scooby being scared of a butt 427 episodes later.
Why would Chief hire Inspector Gadget? Just because his mouth is a toaster doesn’t mean he’s qualified to solve international mysteries. Also, should Penny, who has somehow gotten her hands on a Kindle and an Apple Watch 25 years early, be left in the protection of a cyborg who is constantly malfunctioning? One of these days those helicopter blades are gonna kill that poor girl!
George of the Jungle
George of the Jungle is just Tarzan if everyone that made Tarzan was drunk. The show is rushed, jokeless, and in desperate need of medical attention. I mean, what do George’s genitals even look like after 100 tree collisions? Those red blotches on his loincloth? That’s blood.
I thought it was impossible not to be afraid of Batman, until I saw the Super Friends. Here, Brucey joins his spandex clad pals in maybe protecting the planet, but really just agreeing with eachother all the time with their pants off. The only good thing to come out of this cartoon was the four
token multicultural heroes who despite being stereotypes have way cooler powers than, say, Wonder Woman, whose ability is to have a star spangled camel toe.
Rocky and Bullwinkle
This is maybe the worst animated anything I’ve ever seen. Whenever Rocky talks I think (s)he’s having a stroke, but then every character talks like that! The frame rate is 2 per minute, and I hate to bring up the elephant in the room, but Bullwinkle’s body is a straight up testicle!
“Deliverance” Come to Life
Don’t Say Russia Never Gave us Anything
Old and Dried Out, Just Like Grandma
Are You Famous Enough?
It’s not Always Hip to be Square
Imma ConnectiCUT You, Bitch!
The First Forgotten State
A Nice Place to Die
Come for the Romance, Stay for the Racism
The Pineapple Upside Down State
No, You da ho!
Corn and Corruption
Where Canals are Still in Style!
Out and Proud Since 2009
Where Dorothy was Escaping From
Where You Can Always Get Beat by Your Pa
The Prison Capital of the World
Cold Enough to Fish, Too Cold to Dream
The Colonists Were Drunk When They Drew Our Borders
Bet You Can’t Spell it Right
The Only State with pee pee in the Name
Purple Mountain Travesty
Where the Corn Runs Red with Blood
Can I Get my Money Back?
Live Free and Die
Fuck Old Jersey
You Like Turquoise, Right?
Gang Fights Will Inspire You!
Graveyard of the Atlantic
What the Frack?
Set Your Bland TV Show Here!
The Birthplace of Hanson
White People Left to Their Own Devices
America’s Tiny Little Baby
It Don’t Get More Southern Than This
If You Like it Then You Should Have Put Four Presidents’ Faces on It
Country Died Here
Bigger is Worse
Wives for Everyone!
Billboards Will be Shot on Sight
West of Sanity
Go with a Relative
I mean she’s not really my cousin, she’s more like my Dad’s good friend’s daughter, except that good friend is his sister, and that daughter is my cousin…but I only ever saw her on holidays anyway, and it’s not like I was ever checking her out, even though she is the hotter cousin, but like, hotter in an objective way, like hotter for science.
If Krystal’s’ commercials have taught me nothing, it’s that putting a boy in your trunk is A Ok. I mean, obviously not a little boy, but a man who’s of consenting age, but who does not consent to being forced at knifepoint into my trunk. By kidnapping my date, I can entertain my
murderous sexual fantasies about holding a man hostage in my basement while I feed him barbed wire and glass Hershey’s Kisses.
The Internet is a totally legitimate place to find dates, but if you need one for tomorrow, you can forget about eHarmony. Log onto any love app, such as Grindr, Stalkr, or Fuckr, and get to messaging. And by messaging, I mean slide your smartphone down your pants and snap a picture of your what-not. This will guarantee you a quality date who will roofie your drink, drink it himself, and then handcuff you both to a moving vehicle.
Call Your Ex
Hey boo, what you up to? At your mom’s house? Man, she’s such a bitch, right? No? She’s your mom and you love her? Well she was always a huge dick to me . Remember that time when she cried in church and I laughed at her and she told me that I was “of the devil?” What? I can’t talk about her like that? Why am I even calling you, we broke up, like, 4 years ago? Well how would you like to be my sexy Valentine and go on a sexy V-date with me?
Painting by Jana Paleckova
Why not forget all the trouble of finding a date on Valentine’s Day and just go stag? And by that, I don’t mean go to a restaurant alone and drink an entire bottle of red wine, I mean go with a stag! Male deer are strong, protective, and, I hope I’m not sounding too beastial here, damn sexy. You can talk about coat of arms, antler accessories, and which does are total hoes. And if at some point during the evening the stag wants to take you back to his place, get the hell out of there.
You’ve Exhausted all of your English Language Media
Ugh, I’ve literally watched every show on Hulu and Netflix and read every single thing ever written in English, even the bible! I can’t take it anymore! I almost went outside, but then I found out that there were 14 versions of Ugly Betty that I had never seen. The actors talked funny, but I remembered enough from Taco Bell commercials to piece together that Betty’s braces are fake.
You Can Hold It Over Other People
Wake up America! If you only speak one language, you’re racist. I don’t care if you were only offered Latin in school and everyone around you only speaks English, it’s still all your fault. I speak four languages: Spanish, because I believe in America; sign language, because deaf kids are trendsetters; Mandarin because China is the future; and English because it was pretty much forced on me at birth.
It’s Never Too Late to Commit to Something Really Difficult, Time Consuming, and Expensive
Sorry boyfriend, I can’t touch your no-no zone right now because I have to learn the pluperfect tense, then make 500 flash cards. And you know I want to go to Mexico with you, but I should really only travel to French speaking countries if I’m going to learn this language by 2029. Can you buy groceries this month? I spent all of my savings on Rosetta Stone.
To Get Laid
Bonjour sluts, voudriez-vous toucher mon penis avec ton manicure? Après, on peut quitter ce strip club and faire le dirty dans mon boudoir de sexe. Pas intéressé? Pourquois pas vouz appliquez ces body stickers et rejoignez moi pour un carafe de roofies?
I don’t know if you’ve heard, but translators make bank. We’re talking 100,000 to 200,000 pennies a year. If you speak a hot language like Fula, you can make a comfortable living translating cattle agreements for Fulbe herders. That flock of sheep you got may not look like a lot of money right now, but I’ve heard that in 5 years it’s going to be worth at least 45 sweaters.
Before all the megalomania, mass deportations of citizens to Siberia, and bad mustache choices, Stalin was a just a hot otter who wouldn’t look out of place at a gay bar in Petrograd. At 5’4” and with a sexy, withered left hand, Stalin could have had a good career as the steamy young Bolshevik to some rich Sugar Papa.
Mmmm! I do like me a Ngas man from Kanke! Especially one that can move, honey! Before military coup-ing Nigeria, Gowon was a boxer, soccer goalie, and pole vaulter, so you know that man knew his way around a penis! Am I right ladies?
Richard Nixon wasn’t always a slack jowled Republican with dead eyes and a receding hairline . Once upon a time those jowls were tight and sexy, and that hair squiggled across his forehead like a question mark, asking the ladies “who’s ready for orgasmgate?”
We all know that Mahmoud was only elected for his looks, so it’s quite the surprise to find out that back in the day he was even more of a hunk. While much of Mahmoud’s post-college, pre-grad school life remains a sexy mystery, I’m betting that he was cleaning a lot of Persian carpets, if you know what I mean.
Corneliu Zelea Codreanu
While Romania later tried to play down Corneliu’s hotness by printing a postage stamp that showed him with a butt chin, this smexy fascist was quite the teenage dream. After he was deemed too young and luscious to fight in WWI, he famously claimed that the Jews were threatening the purity of young Romanian women. But Corneliu, it was you. Oh honey, it was you.
How to Pronounce 2013
Say this out loud: 1913. Now say this out loud: 2013. For those of you that said “two-thousand thirteen,” please wound yourselves with the closest sharp object. You need to stop this madness and say 2013 the way it should be said: twunny therteen. Mark my words, I am not going to go through this entire century listening to you say two-thousand thirty-three and two-thousand ninety-nine. Don’t be so two-thousand and late on this one dummies!
Oh, I’m sorry! I didn’t realize that the story I was telling was less interesting than your friend’s Tweet about cat AIDS. No, no it’s fine. I’ll just sit here in silence while you scroll through Instagram for a few minutes, then start up right where I left off about my mom having cancer. Take your time, and you know what? Take mine too.
We Don’t Need Gender Specific Words for Everything
It seems that whenever men borrow stuff from women these days, it can’t go unnoticed. So what if these tights outline my monster calves, do we have to call them meggings? What’s next? You’re going to compliment my guylashes and tell me when my bro strap is showing? It’s my right as a 21st century man to do whatever I want, and not have to be constantly reminded that yes, I’m a man, and yes, I’m wearing manties.
America Will Never Adopt the Metric System
The international science community is not going to stop me from driving a mile to the store, buying a gallon of ice cream, and weighing 327 pounds. We Americans like the standard system, and we’re good at it too. Everybody knows that it’s 73 teaspoons to a half gallon, and 29 billion inches to a mile. No one, not even every other country on earth, is going to take away my right to measure my driveway using the length of some king’s foot who died, like, a million years ago.
We Really Need to Stop Saying Amazing so Much
Guys, I know, I say it too. Amazing is just such an amazing word for describing things. I mean, it’s pretty amazing that the average person says amazing 428.5 times a day, but maybe it needs to stop. We have to admit that we have an amazing, awesome, crazy problem that even amazeballs can’t fix. We have to do something, maybe something as drastic as opening a thesaurus, to curb what some English teachers are calling “the end of civilization as we know it.”
Kara – Pandora
Who knew that Pandora was a man and that by opening a box he would unleash a quintet of Korean girls to sew seeds of pop destruction across the earth? In this song, Kara sings, raps, screams, and screeches against a menacing backdrop of guitars, brass, and synths, daring their lover to unwrap all of their sexy secrets (spoiler alert: they killed a man). In typical Kpop inventiveness they take some English words “up and up, ah ah”and transform them into a chant about an erection. Well played, goddesses.
Mighty Mouth feat. Soya – Bad Boy
With Bad Boy, Mighty Mouth and Soya take rap back to its roots: pop. This buddy anthem has Sangchu and Shorry J proving their credentials to Soya over some playful beats, pleading with her to be their Queen Elizabeth, their Michelle Obama. In the chorus, Soya rejects them in the cheeriest way possible, hinting that, if she plays her cards right, she could get to bang the tall one and the short one. As a cultural note: in Korea, bad boys wear tangerine suits and lots of costume jewelry.
Lee Hi – 1,2,3,4
Now here is a song whose message is clear despite the language barrier. All of those important pop words (sick and tired! liar! sexy! game over! hey baby!) are in English, and the rest of the Korean lyrics are sung with so much soul and emotion by Lee Hi that we know right away that this is a tell-off anthem. With this, her debut single, Lee demolishes much of the Kpop formula. There’s some a capella bits to remind you that she came second place in a singing competition show, and a shooby-doo-wop-wop breakdown to remind listeners that Doo-Wop lives on in the voice of a 16-year-old Korean popstar.
Exo K – History
As far as I’m concerned, no Western boyband can even approach what’s happening in Korea. We put up with One Direction and the Wanted because we have to, not because they excite us or challenge us in any way. With Exo’s History, we get a tribal beat that drops in and out as needed, a bridge that lasts nearly half the song, and a rap that blends seamlessly with the rest of the track, avoiding the lack of fit that so many other kpop rap sequences suffer from. Maybe Exo K don’t have the showboating personality of One Direction, but they let the music speak for itself.
Dal Shabet – Mr. Bang Bang
For some, all of Kpop may be their guilty pleasure, but as I have no qualms with my love of the genre, my shameful enjoyment comes from Dal Shabet. With every sentence punctuated by a synth burst, the ladies express their frustrations with a man who can’t seem to “shoot their heart.” In the breakdown they soften a little, noting that while they have insides “hotter than a shotgun” they are still just girls who need a hug. In the end however, Dal Shabet learn that sometimes a girl’s gotta make the first move, and sometimes that involves putting a bullet in the guy’s aorta.