“Deliverance” Come to Life
Don’t Say Russia Never Gave us Anything
Old and Dried Out, Just Like Grandma
Are You Famous Enough?
It’s not Always Hip to be Square
Imma ConnectiCUT You, Bitch!
The First Forgotten State
A Nice Place to Die
Come for the Romance, Stay for the Racism
The Pineapple Upside Down State
No, You da ho!
Corn and Corruption
Where Canals are Still in Style!
Out and Proud Since 2009
Where Dorothy was Escaping From
Where You Can Always Get Beat by Your Pa
The Prison Capital of the World
Cold Enough to Fish, Too Cold to Dream
The Colonists Were Drunk When They Drew Our Borders
Bet You Can’t Spell it Right
The Only State with pee pee in the Name
Purple Mountain Travesty
Where the Corn Runs Red with Blood
Can I Get my Money Back?
Live Free and Die
Fuck Old Jersey
You Like Turquoise, Right?
Gang Fights Will Inspire You!
Graveyard of the Atlantic
What the Frack?
Set Your Bland TV Show Here!
The Birthplace of Hanson
White People Left to Their Own Devices
America’s Tiny Little Baby
It Don’t Get More Southern Than This
If You Like it Then You Should Have Put Four Presidents’ Faces on It
Country Died Here
Bigger is Worse
Wives for Everyone!
Billboards Will be Shot on Sight
West of Sanity
These no-longer-ladies always knew men were sexy and women’s clothing was fabulous, but something about those real boobs never felt quite right. So after a complicated, 8-year coming out process, they finally emerged as the beehive wig-wearing, lipstick-smeared, man-loving men they were always meant to be! You go “girls”!
I looked down at the crowd of sparkling, disco-singing gay men atop the pink, Judy Garland parade float, and I knew I wasn’t gay enough. I needed something all the body hair glitter in the world couldn’t give me. I needed a lesbian life-partner-love-companion. She and I, our homosexual powers combined, would usher in a new gay age, gayer than ever before! And down the road, as we sea-horse-carried our rainbow love-baby to term, we’d know that nothing could defeat our gaysexual dreams.
Somewhere between picking sea-kale at the co-op and meditating at the pan-African yoga brunch, my heart transcended love. At that deep, life-affirming moment, I knew that my beautiful sexual being and my unending love for every human creature could never be separated. And indeed, never were. Communing with the most ancient of loves and locking eyes with that Unitarian grad student, ficus plant, and the sun, I entered and embraced urlove.
Questioning for Questioning
“I heard Anna’s experimenting with androgyny and hooked up with that bicurious Swiss exchange student last weekend!”
“That’s nothing! I heard Alex, that hottie who Googled “transitioning”, made out with Ian, that gender-confused guy at Shauntal’s party! But then Ian totally came out as gay!
“No way. You can’t just tell a horny Q4Q stud that you’ve figured it out!
“I know! I’d totally be on top of Alex if I were still into questioning guys!”
Love putting your mouth on other people’s mouths but cringe at the thought of putting it on their trouser snake or treasure cove? Have you considered that you may be a neutrosexual? Neutrosexuals are passionate about many intimate acts like macking, necking, spooning, and couples Christmas card design. However, when the pants come off, they will kindly ask you to put them back on. So, if you got turned on by Lord Varys from Game of Thrones or find yourself fantasizing about a Ken Doll-smooth lover, you might just have some personal sexploration to do.
Shinee – Sherlock
You guys, when I watched Sherlock for the first time, my heart stopped beating. Then when I watched it for the ninth time, my aorta exploded. In the video, Shinee take the group dance routine to a level of perfection untouched since Paula Abdul retired as a choreographer. Weaving, sliding, jumping, and twisting to a beat stolen from 1991 era Michael Jackson, the members of Shinee move in a way that distracted me completely from Taemin’s horrendous blonde wig and Key’s tragic American flag shorts. The next time you have 42.8 free minutes, take a look. Because you’re going to want to watch this video at least 12 times.
Gain – Bloom
Gain’s comeback music video starts out slow, but by 2:15 she introduces her gay entourage and starts dancing in her underpants. By 2:25, someone’s touching her butt. With Bloom, Gain turns up the heat and throws in the kitchen sink. A bedrooms scene? Sure! Sheep? Yes! Giant CG flowers? Hell Yes! Pole dancing in front of a giant sprinkler? Why not?! We and her skinny-suited dancers accompany her on this wild ride, as she asks us, “Did you like it? Did you fake it?”
100% – Bad Boy
100% is a boyband determined to prove to you that they’re tough, and they’re not afraid to use heavy guitar riffs and studded leather jackets to do it. Did I mention that their debut single is called Bad Boy and that it’s performed in the desert? Oh, and that’s no normal sand. IT’S ON FIRE. And what’s on top of that fence Rockhyun is posing in front of? Barbed wire. And wait, are they gonna start dancing or fighting, because THEY’RE JUST SO TOUGH I CAN’T TELL.
Ailee – I Will Show You
Amy Lee was born in Denver and grew up in New Jersey, just like you! But unlike you, in 2010, she realized her American music career was going nowhere and her criminal justice degree was worthless, so she jumped ship and headed to Korea. There she metamorphasized into superstar Ailee. More human than Boa and less numerous than Girls Generation, Ailee proved that all you need for a hit is some big ass pipes.
Infinite – The Chaser
Let’s face it, Kpop videos can be pretty formulaic. Dancing in suits and six inch heels in front of shiny, expensively-constructed set pieces – any seven member boy band could do that. With The Chaser, Infinite gave us a slow motion car crash and motor bike vandalism. And then what was that whole thing where they stepped through that tunnel of foggy, mirrored triangles to get to that glowing glass chamber with that weird box inside that no one ever opened?? Girl, I don’t know, but I was super into it.
I represent 6.88 billion people
When I came to Japan I assumed I would represent low-income, K-pop-obsessed, Midwestern, flexitarian, art history majors like I did in the United States, but instead, I was informed countless times by the Japanese government that to the Japanese I would represent all foreigners. ALL OF THEM. So now my every action represents the lives and values of Nigerian teenage girls, Brazilian fisherman, Kazakhstani college students, and Yemeni grandmas. Already countless elementary school students have remarked “foreigners are so tall!” upon meeting me. I`m sorry I misrepresented you global population of little people!
Japanese women hate the sun
You wouldn`t want to damage/burn/make sexy your pale, delicate skin would you? Of course not. So before you go outside, make sure to put lycra long sleeves under your short sleeves, a scarf around your neck, a giant, frumpy hat on your head, pants over your shorts, a windbreaker over your shirt, and pants over your pants because THESUNWILLSTEALYYOURBEAUTYGRRL!
Garbage is complicated
If you assumed you could just throw that moldy corn-mayonnaise pizza, Hello Kitty baby-T, and house shrine you no longer believe in into the same black garbage bag and haul it to the curb, then honey it’s time for a wakeup call. Didn’t you sort your trash into the nine designated categories? Don’t even think about mixing up burnable trash, non-burnable trash, plastic bottles, paper, bound paper, glass bottles, clothing w/o buttons, clothing w/ buttons, Styrofoam, and pyrofoam because you will find that shameful mess back on your door step!
Couldn’t get it all together in time for the monthly non-burnable trash day and semi-monthly recycling days? Looks like your bedroom now doubles as your recycling storage center!
Everything is a two-lane road
But Zachary there’s no way more than one tiny Japanese car can fit through that narrow, curvy mountain road with a cliff on one side and a ditch on the — Nonsense! There’s always room for two! And just for fun let`s add a parked car on the right, an old lady on a bicycle on the left, and make the oncoming car a semi-truck. Now all you have to do to get past is not kill the old lady, drive into the ditch, hit the truck, or send anyone off the cliff. Wait, your car doesn`t have retractable side mirrors?! Good luck!
Japan has everything figured out.
Tired of balancing your bank account? Just jam your bank book into an ATM machine and it’ll take down all your transactions for you. Don’t want to bring your wet umbrella into that building? Just store it in a ubiquitous umbrellas rack or place it into a perfectly-sized plastic umbrella bag. But where Japan really has things figured out is cleaning. Through employing students as child cleaning armies, janitors have been eliminated. Why hire someone to clean the urinals every week when Miyu, Moya, and Mayu can do it everyday after school for free? And don’t’ forget about the 130 other 9-year-olds who will clean anything you ask everyday for 15 minutes. Domo Arigato Gozaimasu!