Five Sexualities You’ve Never Heard Of

Female-to-Male-to-Dragqueen (F2M2DG)

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These no-longer-ladies always knew men were sexy and women’s clothing was fabulous, but something about those real boobs never felt quite right. So after a complicated, 8-year coming out process, they finally emerged as the beehive wig-wearing, lipstick-smeared, man-loving men they were always meant to be! You go “girls”!

Gaysexual

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I looked down at the crowd of sparkling, disco-singing gay men atop the pink, Judy Garland parade float, and I knew I wasn’t gay enough. I needed something all the body hair glitter in the world couldn’t give me. I needed a lesbian life-partner-love-companion.  She and I, our homosexual powers combined, would usher in a new gay age, gayer than ever before! And down the road, as we sea-horse-carried our rainbow love-baby to term, we’d know that nothing could defeat our gaysexual dreams.

Urlove

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Somewhere between picking sea-kale at the co-op and meditating at the pan-African yoga brunch, my heart transcended love. At that deep, life-affirming moment, I knew that my beautiful sexual being and my unending love for every human creature could never be separated. And indeed, never were. Communing with the most ancient of loves and locking eyes with that Unitarian grad student, ficus plant, and the sun, I entered and embraced urlove.

Questioning for Questioning

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“I heard Anna’s experimenting with androgyny and hooked up with that bicurious Swiss exchange student last weekend!”

“That’s nothing! I heard Alex, that hottie who Googled “transitioning”, made out with Ian, that gender-confused guy at Shauntal’s party!  But then Ian totally came out as gay!

“No way. You can’t just tell a horny Q4Q stud that you’ve figured it out!

“I know! I’d totally be on top of Alex if I were still into questioning guys!”

Neutrosexual

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Love putting your mouth on other people’s mouths but cringe at the thought of putting it on their trouser snake or treasure cove? Have you considered that you may be a neutrosexual? Neutrosexuals are passionate about many intimate acts like macking, necking, spooning, and couples Christmas card design. However, when the pants come off, they will kindly ask you to put them back on. So, if you got turned on by Lord Varys from Game of Thrones or find yourself fantasizing about a Ken Doll-smooth lover, you might just have some personal sexploration to do.


Zachary’s 5 Favorite Kpop songs of 2012

Shinee – Sherlock

You guys, when I watched Sherlock for the first time, my heart stopped beating. Then when I watched it for the ninth time, my aorta exploded. In the video, Shinee take the group dance routine to a level of perfection untouched since Paula Abdul retired as a choreographer. Weaving, sliding, jumping, and twisting to a beat stolen from 1991 era Michael Jackson, the members of Shinee move in a way that distracted me completely from Taemin’s horrendous blonde wig and Key’s tragic American flag shorts. The next time you have 42.8 free minutes, take a look. Because you’re going to want to watch this video at least 12 times.

Gain – Bloom

Gain’s comeback music video starts out slow, but by 2:15 she introduces her gay entourage and starts dancing in her underpants. By 2:25, someone’s touching her butt. With Bloom, Gain turns up the heat and throws in the kitchen sink. A bedrooms scene? Sure! Sheep? Yes! Giant CG flowers? Hell Yes! Pole dancing in front of a giant sprinkler? Why not?! We and her skinny-suited dancers accompany her on this wild ride, as she asks us, “Did you like it? Did you fake it?”

100% – Bad Boy

100% is a boyband determined to prove to you that they’re tough, and they’re not afraid to use heavy guitar riffs and studded leather jackets to do it. Did I mention that their debut single is called Bad Boy and that it’s performed in the desert? Oh, and that’s no normal sand. IT’S ON FIRE. And what’s on top of that fence Rockhyun is posing in front of? Barbed wire. And wait, are they gonna start dancing or fighting, because THEY’RE JUST SO TOUGH I CAN’T TELL.

Ailee – I Will Show You

Amy Lee was born in Denver and grew up in New Jersey, just like you! But unlike you, in 2010, she realized her American music career was going nowhere and her criminal justice degree was worthless, so she jumped ship and headed to Korea. There she metamorphasized into superstar Ailee. More human than Boa and less numerous than Girls Generation, Ailee proved that all you need for a hit is some big ass pipes.

Infinite – The Chaser

Let’s face it, Kpop videos can be pretty formulaic. Dancing in suits and six inch heels in front of shiny, expensively-constructed set pieces – any seven member boy band could do that. With The Chaser, Infinite gave us a slow motion car crash and motor bike vandalism. And then what was that whole thing where they stepped through that tunnel of foggy, mirrored triangles to get to that glowing glass chamber with that weird box inside that no one ever opened?? Girl, I don’t know, but I was super into it.

 


Miles’ 5 Favorite Kpop Songs of 2012

Kara – Pandora

Who knew that Pandora was a man and that by opening a box he would unleash a quintet of Korean girls to sew seeds of pop destruction across the earth? In this song, Kara sings, raps, screams, and screeches against a menacing backdrop of guitars, brass, and synths, daring their lover to unwrap all of their sexy secrets (spoiler alert: they killed a man).  In typical Kpop inventiveness they take some English words “up and up, ah ah”and transform them into a chant about an erection.  Well played, goddesses.

Mighty Mouth feat. Soya – Bad Boy

With Bad Boy, Mighty Mouth and Soya take rap back to its roots: pop. This buddy anthem has Sangchu and Shorry J proving their credentials to Soya over some playful beats, pleading with her to be their Queen Elizabeth, their Michelle Obama.  In the chorus, Soya rejects them in the cheeriest way possible, hinting that, if she plays her cards right, she could get to bang the tall one and the short one.  As a cultural note: in Korea, bad boys wear tangerine suits and lots of costume jewelry.

Lee Hi – 1,2,3,4

Now here is a song whose message is clear despite the language barrier.  All of those important pop words (sick and tired! liar! sexy! game over! hey baby!) are in English, and the rest of the Korean lyrics are sung with so much soul and emotion by Lee Hi that we know right away that this is a tell-off anthem. With this, her debut single, Lee demolishes much of the Kpop formula.  There’s some a capella bits to remind you that she came second place in a singing competition show, and a shooby-doo-wop-wop breakdown to remind listeners that Doo-Wop lives on in the voice of a 16-year-old Korean popstar.

Exo K – History

As far as I’m concerned, no Western boyband can even approach what’s happening in Korea.  We put up with One Direction and the Wanted because we have to, not because they excite us or challenge us in any way.  With Exo’s History, we get a tribal beat that drops in and out as needed, a bridge that lasts nearly half the song, and a rap that blends seamlessly with the rest of the track, avoiding the lack of fit that so many other kpop rap sequences suffer from.  Maybe Exo K don’t have the showboating personality of One Direction, but they let the music speak for itself.

Dal Shabet – Mr. Bang Bang

For some, all of Kpop may be their guilty pleasure, but as I have no qualms with my love of the genre, my shameful enjoyment comes from Dal Shabet.  With every sentence punctuated by a synth burst, the ladies express their frustrations with a man who can’t seem to “shoot their heart.”  In the breakdown they soften a little, noting that while they have insides “hotter than a shotgun” they are still just girls who need a hug.  In the end however, Dal Shabet learn that sometimes a girl’s gotta make the first move, and sometimes that involves putting a bullet in the guy’s aorta.


Five Christmas Traditions That Need to Die

Santa Claus

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I am astonished that every year parents are willing to spend truckloads of the green stuff on their whiny kids and then give all the credit to Santa. No fat stalker deserves this much credit!  You worked way too hard at your horrible job to be upstaged by a man who shotguns Coca Cola and collects little people.  Tell your kids the truth: some chick named Mary had God’s baby and that’s why I bought you a new iPhone today.

Popstars Releasing Christmas Albums

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It’s crazy that singers have no idea what Christmas is about.  December 25 is a time for family, materialism, and maybe religion.  It is not a holiday where people meet in a snowstorm and fall in love, because we already have that holiday and it’s called Valentine’s Day. Who do you see on Christmas that you could possibly get a boner for besides that one hot cousin that you are secretly and ashamedly crushing on? And why is there no song about that?

Opening Presents on Christmas Eve

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Oooh! I’m too spoiled, I just can’t wait any longer!  I need to open all 67 of my presents right now!  I don’t care if the Virgin Mary was having contractions 2,012 years ago today, I need to rip open that package that is the same shape as a Nintendo 3DS!!  Church? Christmas Eve Dinner?! Fuck that nonsense, and fuck Baby Jesus too if he gets in the way of me and my Christmas gifts!!!

Joke Gifts

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Last I checked, jokes are supposed to be funny.  But where is the humor in feeling obliged to display a bunch of tacky shit either on your body or around your once charming home? Please, stop giving people useless crap.  Next time you are at the thrift store, trying to decide if you should give your mom  a figurine of Santa giving Jesus a swirly, think about if it will be funny everyday for the next two years until it’s invetiably thrown in the dumpster.  If you still think you should get it, think harder.

Christmas Advertisements

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Shut up Martha Steward! Just shut up! I know when fucking Christmas is and I don’t need you and Macy’s to remind me!  Do you know why? Because Target already told me around Halloween that I better get my shit together for JC’s B-Day.  Am I done with my shopping? Of course not.  Do I need you reminding me on every media outlet available that I need to figure out what I’m getting for my sister-in-law? No! Absolutely no one wants that!


The 5 Hottest New Facial Hair Trends

Monkey Tail Beard

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None of my previous beards were asymmetrical or threatening enough. I wanted something that said that I used to work at a carnival, but now I manage a slaughterhouse.  So I grew some hair on the right side of my face and then swirled it up onto my kissin’ lips.  What’s wrong girl? Monkey tail got your tongue?

Women with Mustaches

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As a gay man, I’ve found that women would be hotter if they looked more like men.  Every Ashley and Melissa out there needs to put down that wax strip, and just let their body breath for a minute.  Mmmmm, now doesn’t that feel healthy?  This way you can have all the sex appeal of a 14-year-old boy with the timeless glamor of an old pervert.

The Toothbrush

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Hitler ruins everything: the swastika, the name Adolph, and above all, the toothbrush mustache. Thankfully, Michael Jordan is doing his best to bring it back, along with hoop earrings for men, and Hanes relaxed banana hammocks.  As a former Space Jammer and Scottsdale Scorpions outfielder, MJ is taking a big risk trying to revive this controversial ‘stache, but I’m right behind him.  Like Mike, I  believe that a soul patch for the upper lip is 100% worth fighting for.

Knit Beard

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It’s a well known fact that women are always cold and always in a power struggle with men. Well it’s finally happened, ladies have toppled the patriarchy using their greatest weapon: crochet.  Yes, knit beards are the nail in the coffin for the penis half of the planet. Who would have ever thought that girl power would look so much like Rasputin?

Beard Art

beardartOh my blog! Guys’ faces are soooo serious!  Like, we get it, you pee standing up and you eat meat or whatever.  Have some fun with that mug!  Why shouldn’t your mustache be a confusing labyrinth full of pimples and cold sores, and why shouldn’t your cheeks look like a pubic tribal tattoo?  These questions are rhetorical, dudes!


5 Things I Learned in Indianapolis

A Good Name Doesn’t Have to be Complicated

Unlike those other places named after Native American gods and stuff, Indianapolis kept it simple.  Take the state name, add some Greek gobbledygook on the end, and voila: Indianapolis, or literally, place where Indians used to live.  When you get tired of saying Indianapolis, Indiana all the time (but you never will) you get the privilege of shortening it to Indy.  The nickname gives the city this cool, indie vibe, even though that is the last thing this city is like.

Fake It ‘Til You Make It

Haters like to say that Indianapolis will never be bigger than New York City, but the truth is, it already is bigger.

In area.

Maybe it doesn’t have the density or skyline of other big cities, but damn it, it would take a hell of a long time to walk from one end of the cornfield covered border of Indy to the other, and that counts for something.  I think that soon enough people are going to wake up and see that Indianapolis is the 12th biggest metropolis in the country, and that you can afford a very nice farm here.

Canals Rock!

Rivers are out! Canals are in!  Why would anyone want some free flowing body of sludge that’s full of leeches when they could have a sterile, calm, hot piece of water alongside their new condo?  The state of Indiana knew exactly what they were doing when they went into bankruptcy trying to build a 296 mile canal, but then had to give up after completing only 8 miles.  They knew that 200 years later, 21st century yuppies would buy the shit out of some condos with water behind them.

Whore Out Your Downtown

Indianapolis is the only city in the world with a skyline entirely made up of Hiltons and  Marriotts.  The downtown has been scrubbed clean of rifraff, homeless types, and all other Indianapolis citizens so that you can enjoy your feces research conference in peace.  We will gladly accept your money and in return we will guarantee that you will not see another living soul the minute you step outside of your hotel lobby.  Oh no, there’s an old lady across the street?  That’s just a ghost.  Or she soon will be anyway.

Sports are Bigger than God

Hi, welcome to Indy, home of the Indianapolis Colts and recent host of the 2012 Super Bowl XLVI!  If you’ve  never been here before than let me remind you that we are home to the Indy 500, as well as three time ABA champions, the Indiana Pacers.  I hope that you enjoy our fine city and have plenty of time to think about how we have hosted the NCAA Final Four six different times, and were home to the 1987 Pan American Games.  What’s that?  You don’t like sports?
Get the fuck out of my city.


The Five Reasons to Get a Tattoo

Because You’re Gross

Let’s face it, you’re body’s not great.  Your left side sags in a different way than your right side, your face never really came together, and your skin looks like you spilled bleach on it.  A tattoo is going to look better than anything God gave you as a joke when He was drunk.  It doesn’t really matter what you get, as long as you cover up that patch of freckles that looks like a swastika, and distract from your weird bones.

Because You’ll Never Be Better Than You Are Now

Worried that your tattoo won’t stand the test of time?  Let me put it in perspective for you.  In your 20’s, you will never be cooler than you are now.  Getting a tattoo will say on your body, forever, that you were a pretty stylish bitch who knew how to rock a good trend.  For those in their 30’s, you need to slap something on your body quick, ‘cos in your 40’s your appearance will start a steep, perilous decline.  40’s and up, look how wise you are.  So, so wise.  Prove it to the world and get at that New Yorker cartoon caption contest entry tattooed on your sagging ass. Death’s clock is ticking!

Because Art is Forever

If museums have taught us nothing, because I’m not really sure what I learn there, it’s that art objects should be preserved for millennia.  If it’s helpful to you, think of your body as a museum, and that shitty rendering of Hello Kitty riding a killer whale that your friend scrawled on you as the highest art.  Years later, your grandchildren will admire you as a record of the poorly drawn, derivative, commercialized shit-world of the past.

Because They’re Sexy

Secrets are hot.  When I found out that my boyfriend was really my girlfriend and that she had actually killed my dog on purpose, she became that much sexier to me.  Similarly, tattoos are like a cute little secret,  a secret your body tells. When that dude you met at the bar gets your pants off and sees your “Only if You Cook me Breakfast ” tattoo around your bellybutton, he is going to go so cray cray on your yaya.

Because Everyone is Doing it

If none of the above reasons convinced you to permanently scar your body, then listen the fuck up.  Tattoos have become de rigeur for young people, and I’m not just talking hipsters.  Do you want to be 35-years-old and at the pool and have children point and laugh at you shouting “Naked! Naked!”?  Because showing that much uninked skin  in public is going to invite that reaction.  I mean, I can see your entire arm.