The Trashiest Pets

10. Ducks: The swan’s hillbilly cousin, ducks are nothing more than quacking, crapping machines.  Sure, it only cost $10, but that money could have gone towards a delicious dinner at the Olive Garden!

9. Tamagotchi: Ignore your real pet with this snazzily colored blob of pixels.  Bored already?  Just chuck its carcass into you nearest landfill!

8. Pack of dogs: If you’re going to own more than two dogs, then all of them better be of the same breed and named under the same theme.  If you do this, sweep every half hour, and house-train in utero, then maybe guests won’t confuse your lovely home with a kennel.

7. Painted Hermit Crabs: Nothing says tacky like an Elmur Fudd, Spongebob, or Pikachu themed crustacean scuttling around your entryway.

6. Crocodiles: If you failed to flush your croc before it grew too big to be passed off as an impulse buy, then look forward to explaining to friends why their kids can’t come over to swim in the Little Mermaid kiddie pool anymore.

5. Seamonkeys: Fish too fancy?  Glass aquariums too high-brow?  Don’t worry, to have your very own aquatic pet all you need is a bag of magic powder and an empty Tupperware container.  Just add water and you have a real live swarm of brine shrimp!

4. Children on leashes: Not a pet per-say, but you are feeding it, washing it, and walking it on a leash.  While you’re at it, I’ll point out that dog beds are cheaper than cribs, and litter boxes are greener than diapers.  Just putting that out there.

3. Scorpions: You know what would go well with you blond soul patch and newly discovered body odor?  A scorpion!

2. Ferrets: When they get excited, they will either secrete a powerful stench from their anal glands, or do something called the weasel war dance, which involves knocking over your new glassware and all of your heirlooms.  The choice is yours.

1. Monkeys: Nothing is more precious than a small screeching mutant in a baby doll dress climbing up your back.  Nothing.

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